To be succinct and private… My incubator worked me for weeks to build rapport and trust with me in my younger days, to get me to tell her a something that she would ultimately, and immediately use and weaponize against me and others.
This wasnt the first time I tried to have a relationship with her, but it did finally open my eyes and become the last. In the many many decades since, I’ve not so much as acknowledge her existence when crossing paths.
Refused to acknowledge cystic fibrosis is actually a real difficult struggle that I needed help and support with
Calling me heretic and deviant in my early teens, Getting enormously angry when I try to challenge their viewpoints (once they said that even if we are wrong, you have to say that we are right, upon which I remained silent and they get angry), Being against other religions and ideologies, mocking them and calling LGBTQ+ a mental illness (luckily, I did not come out to them), Being angry and thinking I am arrogant if I choose not to talk to them and to be in my own space, Forcing me to eat and drink a lot more than I want, Comparing and belittling me yet still saying “We love you”, Not letting me go outside and now they complain why I don’t go outside, Always saying, “We did not even beat you or did anything physical. We give you so much comfort but you disappointed us, you pimp, dog, bastard”, Saying I am not masculine just cuz I am extremely careful not to neglect my sunscreen, I get sick here and now and so I trust medicine over the pseudoscientific remedies, and many other things which made me lost trust in them and entire humanity and even myself sometimes. I will not forgive them.
Called my partner a gold digging whore (hilarious, considering she was earning 3x as much as I was at the time) and outright said I should marry the woman (daughter of a family friend) that they liked for me and keep my partner around as a side piece because “a real man knows how to make everyone happy”.
I don’t speak to them any more.
“The girl you like is a whore, you’d be much better marrying this girl instead, and fucking other women, you know, like a whore, but a good one”
What stellar logic they have.
My mom and dad divorced soon after I was born because my mom had cheated on my dad and gotten pregnant with my little sister from her first husband. So I have the privilege of having an older brother and a younger sister that have the same dad and mom and me in the middle with a different dad and a different skin color.
Life was what it was, but then my dad, who was a huge Trump supporter and refused to mask up, got the 'rona and died from it. To this day I have no idea why my dad was a Trump supporter, Trump stood for everything that he personally hated, but for some reason just the delulu had gotten a hold of him.
His wife, my stepmom, put an obituary paper out and named my older brother and me but left my bastard younger sister off of it because my older brother had realized his dad was a piece of shit and asked my dad to be his dad in his place, which my dad agreed to while my younger sister had explicitly told my dad to forget that she exists, to fuck off, and to never speak to her again, to which my dad said, okay.
My mom called me up to bitch me out that my little sister was not included on my dad’s death notice, and in the middle of bitching me out, told me she wishes she had divorced my dad sooner, and even though she didn’t say it, she was implying that she wished she had divorced him before she had gotten pregnant with me.
I called her a cunt and blocked her completely for three and a half years, unblocked her to chew her out when I saw that even though I had her block she was sending me links to TikToks which I don’t use TikTok to show me videos that say “I don’t know what to say to you”.
I am finally reaching the point where I can be rationally angry instead of irrationally angry when I think about it.
This is not the first time I’ve cut my mom out of my life. The first time was when I was 17 and I chose to be homeless for years rather than to enable her to enable her abusive husband to abuse me.
The only reason I ever opened the door again and allowed her back into my life was because my dad pleaded with me to do so.
So when she cursed his dead body, and implied that the child that she had with him should never have been born, despite the only reason she was in a position to do that was because the dead man had vouched for her, out of love, was fucking a bridge too far.
And I also have blocked my sister. She should be fucking ecstatic that my dad did precisely what he asked her to do.
Cheated on my mom with a vile woman who had vile children (most much older than me) Let her push my sister and I around and eventually away. Stood there and did nothing while her entire family belittled and emotionally abused my sister on a near daily basis and had the balls to ask us why we don’t reach out to him. There is a lot but that’s the tldr.
My mom told me that she heard my soon-to-be-wife say some really horrible things about her and my kids behind my back.
Whatever she thought that would accomplish didn’t work, because I had already told my wife to start recording her interactions with my mom. (Clearly not my first rodeo)
Mom wasn’t real happy when I told her I’d listen to the audio.
That is utterly evil (ok the everyday sense). Glad you were prepped for that, but I’m very sorry that you’ve had life experiences that taught you it was necessary.
I still don’t know what Mom’s problem was with her, not that I even care. Before that point, they would each text me “You won’t believe what she said to me!”. I was stick on the middle trying to figure out what really happened, but something my mom said didn’t match with a major detail that she didn’t know about my wife’s past, so I had a feeling she was the one causing the shenanigans. That’s when I suggested the recordings.
what Mom’s problem was with her
She competed for your attention
I wouldn’t doubt it.
I have to ask.
If your moms such a piece of shit, why is your solution to your wife “make sure to record every interaction” instead of “Lets just stop dealing with this bitch”
Definitely a fair question.
We all lived in the same house at the time, and Mom’s name was on the deed, so up until that point we were walking on eggshells to keep things civil until other arrangements were in place.
Ah, thats fair then. Sometimes you do have to make sacrifices like that, as you make your preparations for the future.
During covid my dad would not wear a mask willingly.
It shattered my perception of him, that probably will not ever go back to what it was.
Covid and MAGA/Trumpism broke a lot of families, sadly.
So many good people who became permanently twisted into the nastiest of creatures.
I heard him shout to someone else that he didn’t care about me or my siblings. Today, the feeling is mutual.
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entering my flat multiple times without my consent/knowledge and not leaving when asked to (thanks for the 3h meltdown where I was completly locked inside my brain and couldnt do anything but repeat a few words over and over and rock back and forth on the couch, really liked that one)
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ignoring obvious signs of mental/neurological issues in their child (because somehow children cant have those??)
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treating our relationship as something transactional
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forcing me to do activities i really dont want to, trying to argue away my fears and thinking they “won” after i shut up
I might talk to them again if they write a letter apologizing for atleast something. I havent told them this and i realise that its kind of unfair to set a condition that the other party doesnt know about, but if they dont come to this conclusion themselves then it doesnt feel genuine to me. It really sucks because I have no other people to rely on (emotional and material) but it also kind of was like that before I stopped talking to them, because every favour needs to be repaid or might be used in an argument against me and every fear and concern is argued away.
edit: oh and i realise that some of this is my fault because i really am sometimes difficult to deal with and very stubborn and i try to take responsibility, but at the same time it often feels like I have to work with both of my hands tied behind my back and I wasnt given the tools as a child to do better.
None of its your fault, bro.
Its all theirs for their failure to get you the help you needed much earlier in life, and for being domineering shitbags.
You owe them nothing.
Thats very nice of you to say but I often think of them more as ill-equipped and overwhelmed. I dont hate them and I understand its really hard to reflect on your arguments if your opponent is a literal child who doesnt know better and is dependant on you. Ironicly I sometimes think the people who dont want children, because they are afraid of doing something wrong, would be the best parents but whatever.
they would 100% be better parents, because they are already so concerned about the childs welfare that they are terrified of harming it.
unlike pieces of shit like the parents being talked about here.
I understand that you need to vent and I dont know if you are talking about my parents or yours or just the thread in general, but just in case please dont call my parents that. they are very flawed people yes and they didnt do what they should have, but I havent written everything in my first post and for all you know I could be lying (conciously or subconciously). They tried (maybe their best) but it wasnt enough. Sometimes it just doesnt work out. It just sucks that you, I and the other people in this thread in similar situations have to deal with the fallout.
None of its your fault, bro.
But you don’t know this.
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She got drunk and was crying about her regret about not aborting me. She came from a larger family and wanted more kids than she ended up having, but my dad’s personal limit was 2-3 kids — and kid number three was only to try for a daughter if kid number 2 ended up being another boy. Me being a girl meant that she could only have two kids, and the fact that I was pretty fucked up means that she felt like she’d “wasted” a kid on me, so to speak
I don’t blame my mum for having these thoughts, as awful as they may be. At the time, I had not long since been diagnosed with autism, and my mental health was pretty awful too, which must’ve been a lot of stress for a parent to handle. What I do blame her for is being deeply depressed and having her teenage daughter be her primary (and basically only) emotional outlet.
Whilst I am theoretically open to having a relationship with her in future, if she ever got sober (though that seems unlikely I’d learn of her being sober, as I went No Contact with her years ago), I’ll never be able to forget how much she hurt me. She wasn’t the root cause of my mental health problems, but she certainly made them a hell of a lot worse. And given that she never remembered the stuff she said when she was this drunk, I’ll never get the closure of a genuine apology.
What’s especially tragic about my mum is that she’s actually pretty well adjusted, considering the awful childhood she had. The main thing she wanted from life was to be a mum, and to do a better job than her own mum had. I do think she achieved that, and there are so many things that I feel appreciative of her for. Unfortunately, no amount of good can make up for the hurt that she caused when she’d get drunk and pile her grief onto me. Most of the time her drunken tears were far less hurtful, but it’s still a heavy burden to put on an already struggling teenager.
It’s a shame, because I think she could’ve been an incredible parent if she’d been able to get therapy in the few years after she moved out but before she fell pregnant.
he main thing she wanted from life was to be a mum, and to do a better job than her own mum had. I do think she achieved that
How fucking awful was her mom, if she achieved being better with how you were treated to emotional incest and bearing the brunt of drunken grief bombing.
When my mum was a child, when she wet the bed, she had her nose rubbed in it, like a dog.
Her step dad used to get her half siblings to restrain her arms as one of them beat her up.
When still a child herself, she was made responsible for the wellbeing of multiple of her very young siblings, necessitating her teaching her younger brother to help her shoplift food if they wanted to eat anything before their evening meal.
The thing is with my mum is that the good times were very good, and on average, she was still pretty decent — and that’s with awful things like the emotional abusive dragging down that average. As much as I still feel hurt over what she put me through, I also feel a like of sympathy for her. She tried to be better than what she had, and whilst she did succeed in that, that says as much about the extremely low bad as it does about the good she achieved as a parent.
Despite countless requests to not, they sent me to a parochial school where I was physically and sexually abused.
She delayed an apology too long.
My mother was emotionally and physically abusive to me growing up. I started putting boundaries in place once I had moved far far away and that was not going well. We got into a fight during a phone call and she hung up on me.
I decided actually I was happier not talking, but I was open to it if she was willing to apologize.
It took her 4 years to try out “I’m sorry you’re so angry.”
Luckily in the intervening time I had some therapy and done a lot of self help and advice column reading and recognized that not-pology for what it was.
More recently (only 12 years after that first attempt [holy shit that long]) she finally apologized for “what I did to hurt you”.
at least that second one was an ownership taking approach, instead of the whole bullshit “I’m sorry your offended by my rightness” type bullshit. Gonna dare to try to have limited contact with her or just saying fuck it all its not worth the effort.?
I have maintained very very limited contact with her at my grandmas request. Basically a text for Christmas and her birthday and no acknowledgement of anything she sends me. Luckily we are geographically very distant, so it’s not like either of us is going to just “pop over” for a visit.
I did tell her I appreciated the recent apology. I thought it was a nearly miraculously improvement. It would astound me if she could come up with something concrete to apologize for.
At this point though, we are strangers. I’m not really interested in the time or effort it would require to get reacquainted. I’ll be cordial and polite over text but I’m not taking calls anytime and like I said there’s no way we’re visiting (and I find it super unlikely we’ll find ourselves at the same event)
My father definitelty had narcissistic personality disorder, untreated of course because his culture downplays any sort of emotional introspection. He cheated on my mom and tried to justify it by claiming she wasn’t satisfying his sexual needs, when in reality she was medically compromised, and couldn’t physically reciprocate those needs all the time.
Not to say my mother was a saint, cause she had her own issues of emotional detachment at times where she could be comforting most of the time but cold if you said the wrong thing to her, to the point where she beat me one time because I claimed offhandedly to my sister that “mom hates me”. She and my dad still used corporal punishment to keep us and our cousins in line.
But I still respected her more than my father cause she helped not only her family members, but my dad’s family members as well, allowing his brother to stay with us for a while as he traveled to the US. She even helped my dad write his own dissertation while she was raising me and my sister. Not to mention she hosted both her parents and took care of them and helped them find jobs.
But my father decided to be one of the most depsicable human beings I know personally because when my grandfather on my mom’s side died and we all traveled out of the country to arrange, organize and attend his funeral, he not only brought the woman he was fucking into the house, they apparently had sex all over the house, leaving used condoms in several spots, they slept in my mother’s bed, and he took her to various tourist spots that my mom practically had to drag him to. And it gets worse: He used the excuse of attending the graduation of his daughter from his previous marriage to get out of attending my grandfather’s funeral, and of course, he didn’t go to that event either despite my half-sister mailing him an invite.
And that’s not even getting into the shit he did before he met my mom.
Yes, it gets much talk in therapy.
Brother, i hope you are talking about your mom too in therapy
because the whole “I said mom hates me, and she responded by beating shitless… I have so much respect for her” is just as big a can of worms as your dad being a filthy whore.
I’m reading this at the moment. It sounds like you might have active abuse rather than detached neglect (which I believe is also abuse).
This stuff impacts us and those around us in the future. From personal experience it’s well worth talking to a pro about it.
Told me I was probably over reacting and didn’t see things properly when I sent him a video of my neighbor loading a rifle outside our apartment and looking into our window.
I’d just had a blow-up with his roommate/girlfriend about him idling his truck for an excessive amount of time outside our bedroom window every morning, five minutes later he screeches back into the parking lot, drops the lift gate, pulls out a rifle and starts loading it. I got it all on camera because I saw him jump out of the truck looking pissed. Sent the video to the parent and asked him WTF I should do, he said I’m probably over reacting and he had probably simply forgotten it in his truck and was taking it home.
He literally looked at something I was experiencing and told me I wasn’t seeing what I saw. This was just 1 more straw and it finally broke my back. He taught me gun safety, fucking cowardly despicable human.
These days I regret not turning him in for the things I’d found on his computer. That should’ve sealed the deal a long time ago, but kids are dumb and now I’m sure the evidence is gone, and I’m happy to just be done with the waste of breath.
