It’s good to have that awareness. Fear of abandonment doesn’t just moderate how we connect with people, it moderates how we feel about connection, during connection, etc.

I’m not the biggest fan of CBT - I think it can be used in a way that’s too clinical rather than felt - but wading into the beliefs you have about abandonment and self-worth can be very valuable. We can’t confront something until we shine a light on it.

Once the beliefs and feelings are labeled to some extent, the next step with CBT could be to identify the cognitive ( C ) distortions in those beliefs and then explore what a more balanced substitute could look like. Then by examining the behavioural (B) influence those beliefs had on you, you can try out new behaviours too. That kind of therapy (T) can help flush emotional states that have been stuck for some time.

But the mechanics of CBT aren’t enough. A well attuned therapist is what makes it more than the sum of its parts.

I would say every relationship I had was painful at the end. Breaking up is so hard whether it’s the person making the decision or the person who finds out. I look back on them fondly now, though, and I’m still friends with some of those. My last breakup was very amicable and we’re still besties.

The reason I say all that (and feel free to check out if this is getting too much) is I wonder do you tend to weigh the final moments more in your memories? I’ve been able to separate those breakups, depersonalise them and it’s left me with a solid footing where I look back and feel enriched by the relationship that preceded them.

Learning about cognitive distortions can maybe help a little here, especially maximisation (of the negatives) and minimisation (of the positives).

It sounds like you’re feeling. understandably, lonely. Sometimes that’s because our relationships with our friends have changed, although it can akso be because we become a bit numb even to what is good for us.

I remember what it’s like not being in the headspace to find good memories. It really helped me to keep a mental journal of those. Although I did have to crawl out of a hole slightly first to be able for that.

One thing is for sure, your emotions are telling you that you need something and in my experience doing other things (like playing games etc) only amplifies them. It’s as if they’re demanding our attention and contact.

A partner is a wonderful thing. Sometimes they just happen organically when we’re enjoying ourselves in other ways.

A baseline support of people you care about and who care about you can be very nourishing.

My own best memories are of shared laughter with friends, even if those friendships were fleeting. Those times did more for me than consumption (eg of media).

The diagnosis sound challenging. Are there other neurodivergent people in your life that you enjoy meeting? What are your happiest memories?

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. It sounds complicated in your case: a history of a depressive or lethargic baseline, medication in the mix and an unavoidable reminder of the rejection.

TV, computer games, etc, cannot meet human needs. We are an interdependent species that generally need meaningful human relationships.

I think that instead of figuring out how to not be sad, you might need to look at what has made you genuinely happy over the course of you life.

Also, do you have a diagnosis that justified the medication?

If you need to revise I have a recording of it here.

That is utterly evil (ok the everyday sense). Glad you were prepped for that, but I’m very sorry that you’ve had life experiences that taught you it was necessary.

I’m reading this at the moment. It sounds like you might have active abuse rather than detached neglect (which I believe is also abuse).

This stuff impacts us and those around us in the future. From personal experience it’s well worth talking to a pro about it.