I matched with a guy on a dating app, and we seemed to get along well from the chemistry and conversation down to humor. The first date was great and unlike others I’ve had, although I noticed he was very straightforward physically, kissing me several times. I’ve had to deal with guys with wrong intentions in the past so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly after he was trying to cuddle a lot, smelling my hair, and kissing my neck - even though he stated that he is looking for a long-term relationship after getting to know people and seeing who is most compatible. He was strangely quiet and didn’t say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again, ghosted me for a few days, and then finally sent a transactional text saying he didn’t see long-term romantic potential and didn’t want to string me along. I felt so sad and confused at the sudden shift, and asked if we can have a call just to talk for a bit but he completely ghosted me again and removed his entire dating focus description (it was “Long-term relationship” at the time of our dates, previously “Long-term, open to short-term”, and was not publicly shared at all before that)
Should I follow up? There are some topics I thought may be good to clarify and address through a text message in case those were what turned him away or are areas he thought I could’ve done better. For example, he was patient with my response speed in our early conversations while I was especially busy and intermittent on the app. Also without being too specific, there was something he may have felt I should’ve done during our first date, but I saw it differently (relating to traditional chivalry), and maybe he feels like I should apologize for that. I really have no idea and feel like I didn’t get closure, but I also feel betrayed that he didn’t even think that I deserve one call. Is this a lost cause? What exactly happened, and was he ever intentional (he also had a few situationships recently)?
Any advice, help, or even just empathy would be appreciated!
skipped a second date and got a series of messages re: ‘we had such good chemistry, I thought you were into me, you didn’t object etc’., and no, I didn’t stop things at the time, she was very physically pleasant and sat in my lap, wrapped her arms around me etc., but I knew before the end of the evening it wasn’t going to work. And she told a mutual friend that I was all over her, which, not really, but I guess - I didn’t push her away - and that I sent too many mixed messages… when the one message I sent was “sorry, I don’t think we’re a good match.”
and it comes down to: I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t read. Period. I’m shallow that way; I don’t care WHAT people read, it could be golden books, romance, chaucer, seuss, anything, just read, anything, ok? don’t absorb 100% of your worldview from TV.
what I’m saying is, people sometimes perceive things differently, if he can’t articulate a why, perhaps it’s embarrassing to him or he’s afraid it would embarrass you.
so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly
He was strangely quiet and didn’t say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again
Clearly he was very disappointed. And the only possible reason is your announcenent before.
Seems you didn’t recognize that.
I would have been helpful (probably for both of you) to ask him right then and there about his reaction, and his wishes and feelings, because that was your only opportunity to really bring it out into the open and maybe talk about it. Later he had shut down.
Sounds like he wanted to have sex on the first date and you didn’t.
“Irreconcilable differences.”
Don’t bother, there’s nothing there to get closure on.
He wanted to screw on the first date and when that didn’t happen he immediately moved on to the next prospect. He’s not looking for anything but booty.
Don’t waste your time.
Thank you for your advice! Unbelieveable how misleading he was throughout this whole situation. I think he himself is confused and needs to work on aligning his actions with his words. His dating intention description started as not publicly shared on his profile, then to “Long-term relationship, open to short term” then “Long-term relationship” when interacting with me more, now disappeared again. I know everyone who commented is right, but it feels so frustrating and that I got the short end of the stick for no good reason. At least I saw his red flags and spoke up even if it was a step slower.
Yes, unfortunately a lot of the dating game is a kind of a dance of deception. For people comfortable with that, all the flattery, romantic gestures and charm, all the promises and pillow talk is second nature and part of the dance.
For more straight shooters it can be a difficult landscape to navigate since you are relying on the prospective partner to be honest with you. Which puts us at the mercy of those who are especially crafty (or conniving, depending on how you look at it).
Silver linings, you stuck to your guns about what you were looking for in a relationship. Many people buckle under the onslaught of another’s wiles and end up regretting it. Sounds like you did right by your self and dodged a bullet in the process.
Good luck with your next search.
I think the act of not accepting the phone call tells you everything about him. He isn’t interested in you for a reason he’s not proud of or he truly thinks nothing of you and is incredibly selfish. It’s normal to feel all of those ways about a perceived rejection, but in time you’ll easily see that anyone who sees no need to explain something about you to you is a crappy mate anyways.
Just my suspicion is that he was actively pursuing more than just you and your hesitency was making the completion of your summary difficult for him. This could be misogyny about a perceived imbalance in power dynamics, but just keep in mind, again, that someone who feels chivalry is an important 2 way street on a literal first date isn’t trying that hard. You will find guys far more there for you; in presence, respect, empathy, and patience.
The long term relationship switching to open to short sounds like he’s still tuning his wants and needs, and that’s personal to him. You’re only responsible for changing your bad decisions in the relationship, which honestly after 1 day there’s not much to analyze. Just be happy, as you will be eventually, that he didn’t waste more of your time in this earth hiding information from you the way he did by not accepting the call.
Is the dating app tinder?
Live transcript of my girlfriends advice:
Always put yourself first, no no
No don’t tell her that
Love yourself period
Change all that, smartass
Ask for a conversation, but be prepared to move on.
